Post by Dan SimperReal MEN use a PC with WINDOWS, the manly OS.Macs are for kids only !
It's a little old but it's relative...
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Studly-OS
Version 1.0
(The Only Operating System You Will Ever Need!)
Preface:
Now that HappyNet is up and running, and Leader Kibo is ably directing
the entire world with his custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV (see
HappyNet Manifesto), the fastest and best computer ever built in the
history of time and space, we at Studly Research, Inc. have come up with
an operating system that is simultaneously capable of keeping up with
Kibo's needs and sufficing for general use by all the rest of the common
and sometimes ignorant citizens of this planet, and of any other planets
we can think of.
No doubt you have been endlessly entertained by the furious religious
operating system wars now taking place on the PC hardware arena. Should
you be content with DOS and Windows? No! Should you switch to OS/2? No!
Should you try your luck running a buggy Windows NT beta? Never! How
about NeXTstep/486, or the upcoming Pink, or maybe Apple's System 7/486,
or Linux, or Cray XMP-OS/486? None of these!!! We at Studly Research,
Inc. have come up with a solution so superior that the entire industry
will soon switch over to our operating system and accompanying software.
Microsoft will fold and Bill Gates will get a job working at a 7-11,
handing out coupons. Apple will also collapse and John Sculley will be
found lying unconscious in a pool with a can of Pepsi and a hypodermic
needle lying nearby. IBM will survive, but will be forced to lay off
another 400,000,000 employees, and eventually end up as a subsidiary of
the Moscow McDonalds. The only surviving companies will be the cheap
clone manufacturers, producing faster and cheaper machines with the
label "Studly Compatible" and "SPC" proudly displayed on the front panel.
What is Studly OS ?
Studly-OS is the result of over three decades of intense operating
systems reasearch at Studly Labs, also known as the Studly Laboratories
for User Triumph or SLUT. Extensive research with actual humans at SLUT,
instead of the trained chimps used in most useability labs such as Xerox
PARC*, Microsoft BARF** and Borland SNOOZE***, has determined that
people are less interested in operating systems that offer a wide
selection of native programs, or have a pretty interface, or simply go
'bing', than they are in the concept of an operating system that will
quite simply solve all of their problems for them.
Studly-OS is that operating system.
Not only will Studly-OS make any clone computer, from a ten year-old XT
to a 486/330DX10, capable of doing more than all the former operating
systems ever developed, it will also quickly, seamlessly and invisibly
solve all of their personal problems and make them happy, rich, sexually
irresistable and permanently wonderful.
But What Is The Cost?
Nothing. We at Studly Research, Inc. have gained from our own inventions
to the extent that we are already happy, rich, sexually irresistable and
permanently wonderful. We are offering Studly-OS to the public free of
charge. Every ftp site will soon be carrying, and running under,
Studly-OS , and free diskette, CD-ROM and Braille copies will be
available at bookstores, K-Marts and oil refineries worldwide.
How Is This Technological Miracle Accomplished?
Most of the developments at Studly Research, Inc. are of course
patent-protected and highly secret, although we do not balk at hyping
tantalizing tidbits of Studly technology, simply to gain free press
coverage.
Studly-OS is built around a nanokernel, the advanced descendant of
microkernel operating systems available today. Our crack team of coders,
hackers and pizza enthusiasts took an early beta of Microsoft's Windows
NT, completely disassembled and analyzed the code, and then built
Studly-OS by doing everything completely differently. We'd like to
thank Microsoft for $69 well spent as a helpful exercise on how NOT to
design operating systems.
Whereas NT's microkernel is fat enough to tip over a bus, Studly-OS 's
nanokernel fits in under 1k. Instead of a multiple message queue,
Studly-OS uses a method where messages are intercepted before the
application in question has even sent them out. We redesigned the
Windows interface to appeal less to schizophrenics and came up with a
fully object-oriented system where the objects not only were oriented
with respect to each other, but oriented themselves to best suit the
individual computer user, including sexual and political preferences. No
longer is the system merely user-friendly, it is positively
user-worshipping!
The Operating System Respects The User
People work in different ways, and Studly-OS automatically adjusts to
this, painlessly, seamlessly, smoothly and invisibly. We realize that
most computer users want their operating systems to pretty much stay out
of the way and run any application they choose to throw at it. Studly-OS
handles all file manipulation. You will never touch another
configuration file or menu again!
For example, when the user sticks the first disk of an application in a
drive, or even in between the little air vents in the front of the case,
Studly-OS automatically determines what the application is, where it
should be installed and how it should be set up, and then proceeds to
build the rest of the application based on the contents of the first
disk, taking out features which you will never use and adding those
which the software manufacturer blindly left out. It then opens the icon
editor and lets you create the ultimate icon for that application,
filling in any tedious or difficult painting bits along the way. It then
adds sound and animation to the icon, and while you watch, loads the
application in the background and does your work for you while you play
a quick game of Wing Commander III.
Studly-OS Is Compatible
Not sure if your application will run under Studly-OS ?
Studly-OS runs ALL software programs written for DOS (including those
using VCPI, DPMI and Shmoodoo memory management, by rewriting and
optimizing the code before installing) Windows (including Win32, Win32s,
Win32c, Win32nb, Win32ack and Win32thbbth!), OS/2, GEM, AmigaDOS
(including games which refuse to run on any Amiga past a 500), NeXTstep,
Unix (Studly-OS maintains a daily-updated database on every Unix
variation in existence, and automatically recompiles any Unix program in
the background to work on your system) TRS-DOS, Apple ][ DOS and ProDOS,
Macintosh Systems 1 through 9, Timex-Sinclair ZX81 programs, Atari 2600,
Nintendo and Sega game cartridges, Heathkit HDOS, CP/M (including
utilities that used weird Z80 opcodes), Epson's Q-DOS, Cromenco DOS,
RISC OS, Commodore C=64, 128, VIC-20 and Plus/4 programs, and Coleco
ADAM software. If Studly-OS encounters an application written for a
platform it does not support, it rewrites it to conform to established
standards. If Studly-OS senses that a particular application is not
running at sufficient speed, it rewrites the code until it exceeds the
performance on the best hardware available. For example, one user
managed to get Studly-OS to run Strike Commander on his XT with 8-bit
VGA, and noted that the game response was "very smooth, at least 60
frames per second with no flicker or pauses that I could find."
Studly-OS Offers Superior Compression
Although the operating system itself, due to incredibly tight and sexy
coding, fits into less than 32k of RAM and 500k of disk space, we
realized that most user's applications are reaching such gargantuan
sizes that we decided to include an advanced disk-compression package
with the product.
16:1 Lossless Compression! Yes, the reason this mythical product was
never released to the marketplace was because we bought it out. Lock,
stock, and barrel. You can compress a compressed file as many times as
you like until all programs are down to the theoretical minimum of 1k!
Yet still not lose any data. Of course, with all your programs at 1k,
uncompression may take a little longer. However, we feel the extra disk
space is truly worth it. Most graphics files, including .JPGs and .GIFs,
can be safely compressed down to less than 32 bytes, especially the
nudes, which all look pretty much the same anyway. Pictures of Madonna
can be packed as small as 1 byte.
Studly-OS Is Here, Now!
No Microsoft FUD. No promises of shipments "when it's ready". Studly-OS
_IS_ ready and available for you to install NOW! What are you waiting
for?
Studly-OS Is Bug-Free!
Others promise, but we deliver. We don't have to name our product 3.1
just to fool people into thinking that it is a tested system. Studly-OS
is, and will always be, version 1.0! There will never be a need for an
upgrade!
And no, if you discover a bug, we don't send in the SWAT team to prove
that you are an inconsiderate moron with the technical knowledge of a
squashed gnat that can't even find his way out of the refridgerator. In
fact, if you do find a bug, we are prepared to give you a $1 million
prize, and an all-expenses paid tour to the fabulous Studly Research
Labs in beautiful Barbados, where you will get to meet the Studly-OS
design team and go for dinner and drinks! Then we will send out patches
to everyone in the world free of charge.
Compare Studly-OS With Those ³Other² Systems!
Feature Studly-OS DOS OS/2 NT Unix
Windows
Nanokernel technology Yes! No No Hah! No
16:1 Lossless compress Yes! No No No No
Free Origin game
(rewritten to actually
handle memory the way
sane people would) Yes! No No Heh!! HAH!
Automatically finishes
important work for you Yes! No No No Work???
Free hyper-animator to
make Babylon 5 look
like Popeye cartoons Yes! No No No No
Ten million included
.GIFs, .WAVs and .WOWs Yes! No No No WOWs?
Automatically optimizes
application code Yes! No No Optimize? NO!
Makes you feel sexy Yes! HAH! No No Sex???
Tastes good with ice-
cream and chips Yes! No No No Food???
Makes Bill Gates seem
like a weenie Yes! Yes Yes Yes Yes
Balances your checkbook Yes! No No No Money??
Washes your car Yes! No No No Automobiles?
Improves self-esteem Yes! No No Worsens Suicide
Makes you rich Yes! No No No sorry
Supports SMP Yes! No Soon Yes Sometimes
REQUIRES SMP No No No Yes No
Message-passing Yes! No Yes Yes Yes
Message-losing No! No No Yes core dumped
Message-SENSING Yes! No No No guru
Zen Yes! No No No flower
Software support Great! Lame OK Where? Software??
Technical assistance
None Needed! No No No ARMM
Documentation quality Great! Docs? OK Huh? grep
General studliness Super! Ouch! So-so ICK! alt.angst
RAM requirements 32k 640k 8meg 16meg How much???
Disk space required 500k 1meg 30meg 80meg rm *
OSes supported 24 1 3 3 Support?
Price Free! $60 $99 $495 $0 < n < $oo
Here Are Some Real-Life Quotes From People Who Have Used Studly-OS !
"I love it! It makes me want to eat!"
- Rush Limbaugh
"Since it doesn't have the name Windows on it, it is an irrelevant
platform."
- Bill Gates
"We will develop applications for Studly-OS if they sell two million
copies in the first year, but they won't sell more than 25, no matter
how many they actually sell."
- Bill Gates
"Would you like fries with that?"
- Bill Gates
"It's a beautiful day in the Studlyhood"
- Fred Rogers
"Pull the other one!"
- Patsy
"This is the most impressive operating system I have ever seen in my
entire life. It makes everything else seem like damp kleenex. However,
it will surely fail and become a dead operating system and fail and FAIL
FAIL FAIL it MUST FAIL!!!! because it doesn't have the power of
Microsoft's marketing behind it."
- Paul Somerson
"I'm sure I've used Studly-OS before"
- Shirley MacLaine
"I will be introducing the new Studly-OS -compliant retroactive
moderation specifications directly to the Net"
- Dick Depew
"I'm sorry, but I happen to own the copyrights to the letters O and S.
Please send me all your money right away."
- James "Kibo" Parry
"ACK! PFT!"
- Bill The CEO
"STUDLYOS SUCKS!!!1111 Y00 THINK ITZ C00L BUT YOUR RONG!!!!!11111 I CANT
RUN IT ON MY AM1GA SO WHAT YOOS IS IT????/ MY AM1GA BEATS YOR PEECEE
ANYDAY!!!!!! !!!11111111 PEECEE EVEN WITH STUDLYOS CANT BEET AMIGA
BECAUSE AMIGA RULES!!!! AMIGA IZ BETTER BECAUSE IT IS AMIGA!!!1111
NOTHING ELSE IS AMIGA!!!11111"
- B1FF
Notes:
* Palo Alto Research Center
** Boring Applications Rarely Fascinate
*** Stupid Nonsensical Object-Oriented Ziff-Davis Enema
HappyNet, Mondo Zeugma, and O and S are trademarks of Kibo.
Windows is NOT a trademark of Microsoft.
B1FF is a trademark of himself.